Sunday, January 18, 2015

The Circle of my Life

So I had a great weekend. My in-laws all came out to celebrate my birthday with me. If you have to know how old I am all I will say is i will be 25 forever. Ok fine I'm 31. That is so hard to say. People tell me I don't look 31. With 2 toddlers I sure as hell do feel 31. Thats not what this post is about though. Today is more about the circle that is my life. The ongoing struggle of depression and anxiety. Also the things that contribute to my crazy. For all of you that don't know I suffer from depression. It's mostly situational but after being pregnant with my son it has been an ongoing issue. The upside is I am well aware of my crazy and stay fully medicated for it. But its times like tonight. When my father calls me and begs for me to put $7 in his account so he can buy his meds until he gets his government check at the end of the week it all comes full circle for me. That I realize what the roots of my depression are. I also got another "we need to have a deep conversation" speeches. No insight as to the subject just a vague inclination as to the depressing conversation he needs to have with me about how much his life sucks and how its everyone else's fault but his. In my childhood I never could foresee this kind of behavior from my father. There were signs of course but being young and naive its only hindsight for me now. He constantly tells me now how much he loves me and the kids blah blah blah. But I think its because i am the only one left in his life. He has pushed most everyone else away. And in a way I don't want to deal with him. My mood alters after these conversations. I go into my own little world of depression and just sulk. I know I am suppose to be in control of my emotions and no one can "make me" feel any kind of way. But I notice it every time we hang up the phone. He always has a "need" from me. I NEED  you to fix my computer, I NEED money. I NEED you to show me how to do  this. I NEED blah blah blah. So what do I do? I just give in. I have fought all my life. It's time for some peace. But in my silence there is no peace. There is just quiet agony. There are the deep terrible thoughts that won't go away. And there is always the want of escape. To run away. change my number. Not to look back. I owe this man nothing. It is not my fault he pisses away his money. It is not my fault he is miserable. It is not my fault he is alone. He is not my responsibility. It is not my fault he can't at 61 years of age take care of himself. I have 2 kids, a husband, my own life. It sounds selfish to say that I need to take care of me first. But I do. In order to be a mother and wife I do. The love and respect for him that was once beaming is gone. It has been replaced buy a sense of duty and pity. I feel like I have done this for long enough. But what do I do. abandon him? Thats where the guilt comes in. Thats where I break. Thats where life gets hard. Thats where I shut down. And this is the cycle. Tomorrow will be better. Ill put that money in his account and put him out of my mind. For now. Until the next time. Until I do this again……….