Sunday, January 18, 2015

The Circle of my Life

So I had a great weekend. My in-laws all came out to celebrate my birthday with me. If you have to know how old I am all I will say is i will be 25 forever. Ok fine I'm 31. That is so hard to say. People tell me I don't look 31. With 2 toddlers I sure as hell do feel 31. Thats not what this post is about though. Today is more about the circle that is my life. The ongoing struggle of depression and anxiety. Also the things that contribute to my crazy. For all of you that don't know I suffer from depression. It's mostly situational but after being pregnant with my son it has been an ongoing issue. The upside is I am well aware of my crazy and stay fully medicated for it. But its times like tonight. When my father calls me and begs for me to put $7 in his account so he can buy his meds until he gets his government check at the end of the week it all comes full circle for me. That I realize what the roots of my depression are. I also got another "we need to have a deep conversation" speeches. No insight as to the subject just a vague inclination as to the depressing conversation he needs to have with me about how much his life sucks and how its everyone else's fault but his. In my childhood I never could foresee this kind of behavior from my father. There were signs of course but being young and naive its only hindsight for me now. He constantly tells me now how much he loves me and the kids blah blah blah. But I think its because i am the only one left in his life. He has pushed most everyone else away. And in a way I don't want to deal with him. My mood alters after these conversations. I go into my own little world of depression and just sulk. I know I am suppose to be in control of my emotions and no one can "make me" feel any kind of way. But I notice it every time we hang up the phone. He always has a "need" from me. I NEED  you to fix my computer, I NEED money. I NEED you to show me how to do  this. I NEED blah blah blah. So what do I do? I just give in. I have fought all my life. It's time for some peace. But in my silence there is no peace. There is just quiet agony. There are the deep terrible thoughts that won't go away. And there is always the want of escape. To run away. change my number. Not to look back. I owe this man nothing. It is not my fault he pisses away his money. It is not my fault he is miserable. It is not my fault he is alone. He is not my responsibility. It is not my fault he can't at 61 years of age take care of himself. I have 2 kids, a husband, my own life. It sounds selfish to say that I need to take care of me first. But I do. In order to be a mother and wife I do. The love and respect for him that was once beaming is gone. It has been replaced buy a sense of duty and pity. I feel like I have done this for long enough. But what do I do. abandon him? Thats where the guilt comes in. Thats where I break. Thats where life gets hard. Thats where I shut down. And this is the cycle. Tomorrow will be better. Ill put that money in his account and put him out of my mind. For now. Until the next time. Until I do this again……….

Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Pit

I am sitting in our bedroom watching Hell's Kitchen so my brain shuts down. How is it I have lost all control of my brain? Of my thoughts. How do I not see the joy in my life? The blessings that I have. I just finished a bible study about gifts. About seeing our blessings. How is it I am so far left? My poor husband already under pressure to provide for his family, now has to take care of his biggest child. I do all the things I should. I go to the drs, I take the medications, but yet we are still here. Still nauseaous. Still hopeless. Still numb. I want to feel joy. I want to feel happiness. I want to be present. I have a wonderful husband and beautiful children. A faithful dog. More stuff than I know where to put. I have God. He is at my door. I constantly choose not to answer. I want a magic pill. One that makes me a great mom. One that makes me a great wife, homemaker, cook, cleaner, financial planner, teacher, student, friend, daughter, sister, niece, person. I want a magic pill to make me joyful, faithful, and present. I want to be present. I want to take the crease from my brow. I want to smile when I awake, and smile when I lay my head down to sleep. I want to be attractive, sexually aggressive, and confident. I want the devil to get out of my head. I want the devil to get out of my life. I want to see my gifts instead of my weaknesses. I want to feel love and happiness. I want to stop shaking, to stop trembling, to stop sweating, stop feeling pain, stop. I need a filter in my head. Someone to tell me I'm great, that I can, that I'm worthy.  I dong recognize this woman in the mirror. I don't know who she is. I need her to go, so that I can return. 

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Roller coaster

Today has been full of it's ups and downs. I spent the morning taking our MacBook to the Mac dr because it decided to crash on me. Praying we don't have to buy another one! Then I met up with some awesome ladies and had coffee. Angela and I took the kiddos to the library for story time. Then we ran some errands. I found out today she only has 60 days left which makes me so sad. Our kids really love each other and we were getting so close. But friends are forever and I am sure I will see her again. Then I left and got the kiddos home to see how my tie dye project went. They turned out awesome! I'm usually not that proud of myself but I really nailed it. So I tried to dry them after rinsing and after further inspection realized the blue was bleeding!! It looked like the sun went away and the clouds tumbled in with the rain. I quickly threw them in the wash and prayed for it to get fixed. Meanwhile ordering a new skirt so I could make another one just in case. Well they came out beautiful. I did my first Jillian michaels workout and it was so hard. I am really out if shape. An hour later stub my pinkie toe so hard I swear it's broken. But we shall see tomorrow. Then hubby called and said he would not be home until late again. And then we went and got him. Made it easy: pizza for dinner. And now I'm in the bathroom waiting for the shower to get hot so I can get unstinky. I'm so glad in back on Prozac. Things got dark there for a while. Now all I need is my Adderol and things might actually get done around here. I started back on WW again yesterday hoping that I stick with it this time. 

Monday, April 7, 2014

A mother knows best...... If only she knew she knows best

So I took Mina to the dr this morning for this damn rash she's had for 4 months. It's been on and off 4 times now. I figured she needed to be potty trained and maybe that was the issue. So I took her in and of course that's what he said. It's just persisten diaper rash blah blah blah. Potty training and naked time at home blah blah blah. Thanks I wasted my morning. I'm always so worried I'm doing the wrong thing and take my kids in looking like an idiot. But we got to have lunch with daddy who unfortunately is on CQ today. I hate these stupid shifts. I should be cleaning, but just too lazy to. Mina is still napping I should prob get her up. What a waste of a day. Hopefully tomorrow tom won't sleep forever and we can spend some time together. I'm gonna take the kids out of the house in the morning and let Tom sleep a bit. I have to run errands anyway and it will be good for the kids to go play. I hate when Tom has CQ because it throws our days off. I also hate being a single mom half the time. It's probably why I suck so bad at being a housewife. 

Soooooo tired!!!!

4/6/2014

So I'm totally exhausted, stayed up wayyyyyyy to late watching WWZ. Btw I am so angry it needs a sequel, but overall a good movie. So this mornings rant is about selfies. I am so over them. Let's take 50000000 of the same pic of ourselves and post them on Facebook. And have you noticed most of the people that are into taking daily selfies and single? Maybe if you weren't so self absorbed you would not be single? Maybe someone could stand you for more than 5 minutes? I don't know why i am even friends with some of the people I am on Facebook. Oh yes I have been on Facebook a couple of times already today. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Hopefully I can wean myself off of it. So I got my pots planted last night, I'm hoping this kid naps soon so we can go take a pic!
7:25pm
So today has been rough, my lack of sleep last night has affected this whole day. I am so exhausted and napping with 2 kids awake is like trying to nap during a nuclear strike. I cooked food and did some dishes today so I guess I did something. Other than that I have been on Pinterest, amazon, and Facebook all day. Yes Facebook. The sad part is I can't like or comment on any posts because I want people to think I'm actually doing well. I really want to go to bed and wake up on a different day. Tomorrow I will be out with Tamela and Lorri but that means Tom will be all butt hurt that I won't be home to spend time with him all day. I can tell he is mad at me. We are in foul moods and its nu bueno. I want a do over on this weekend. I want to start over.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Crazy Day

So YAY Daddy came home yesterday, so naturally we spent the day running errands. Today I got to sleep in thank God. Mina has been in super emotional toddler mode and Tommy is going through something wicked so he is medicated and on his second nap of the day! I love it when hubby is home because I get to cook for real again. No more mac and cheese or frozen chicken nuggets. I made an amazing Caprese salad and Pork tenderloin for lunch. We are going to try to get the kitchen cleaned up today so I can cook dinner lol. Hopefully at some point we can go to Vierdia and get the stuff I need for my herb garden! I am so excited to have fresh herbs on my back porch! I found an amazing Organic store near our house and went shopping this morning. I wish I had found it 2 years ago opposed to 9 months before we leave but you know better late than never. I felt pride today making my kids food though. I am slowly moving away from pre packaged and over processed foods. Today I gave my daughter fresh plain yogurt with fresh cut strawberries in it and she loved it. So no more buying fruit and sugar full yogurts. these are things I should really be doing all the time. I am going to get spinach to put in smoothies for them. This is the way we should all be eating. Sure they are gonna get fast food and frozen nuggets on occasion. But if the major portion of their food is natural and healthy I am ok with the occasional junk foods. SO Facebook has been a lot harder to give up than I thought. The fact that it's not right on my phone is helpful but I was still on it a few times yesterday. Or if I do something (like make an amazing lunch) I want to immediately post a pic. Or vent on my timeline. It is so annoying my life has revolved around a stupid website! Today hopefully Tom and I can dig into the word a bit while the kiddos are napping. I signed up for Parents Night Out for the week after next so we can have some alone time. Him and I need to get back to a place where we are connecting and have some time away from the kids together. Thinking about taking the kiddos on a hike next weekend (God help us all). Tamela and I are suppose to go to Nove on Monday after some lunch so that would be nice! I actually looked up those piggy banks on the Tiffany's website, I paid 17 euro, they sell on Tiffany's for $125!!! I should buy like 5000000000 and sell for like $70 on ebay lol. I am trying to make a list of things to get our friends and family from Italy before moving back. But only for the close people, we can't afford to get EVERYONE a present! I am already getting my plans and thoughts together for moving back. I know its months away but I am already so excited. I miss my family so much and I know they all miss us and especially the kids!!
FF to 11:19PM
So we went to the garden store and my husband was going to flip out. Way too many people and 2 kids that want to run in opposite directions. The garden store comes with an outdoor goat farm so I told him to take the kiddos there to play while I stood in line to pay lol. Disaster Averted!!! The kids had a blast feeding the goats grass. We got lots of videos and pictures and some much needed outdoor family time. And to top it all off I got my stuff for my herb garden. Thank God one of the workers there spoke English so he could help me cause I have never planted anything in my life. We also got mina a couple small plants and the cutest little watering pot to help mommy water the plants. We then went to Pizza King to grab dinner and headed home. Tommy of course was exhausted and went down right after dinner. Mina was a complete drama queen and likes to try to tattle on mommy. We were also trying to talk to Tom's parents the whole time. But even after all that my ADHD ass needed to go plant my herbs and water them. Then proceed to make some detox water I have been dying to try for months. I roped Tom into it so I am guessing we will be taking turns hitting up the john tomorrow. Now to go to the bedroom and watch a zombie flick with my hunny before hitting the sac. So good day equals good night!


Thursday, April 3, 2014

A NEW DAY

OK so OBVIOUSLY it has been quite a while since I have posted. I chose to get my ass off of Facebook today. Not for good but for a good while. I have noticed more and more each day how it overtakes everything in my life. I don't spend nearly enough quality time with my kids, my husband, and God knows the house could use some attention. On top of that I am always stressed. I have been trying to do better in my walk with Jesus but when I have Facebook its like who needs Jesus. I need time to spend for myself and not doing meaningless stalking of other people. One day I will go back to it and use it for its purpose without making it an idol. So so far today I am doing OK. So I want to write out everything I do with my kids, with my family. I want to be able to look back on these days and see how well or bad I did in raising them or spending time with them. I want to keep an online diary. I am going to warn you now. I am an emotional creature. I don't cry much but who needs crying when I can vent 24/7? So there will be ups, and there will be downs. But hopefully I can keep myself sane through the process. I put Facebook down today and so far my daughter is happy. I did finger painting with her. I folded 3 months worth of laundry that piled up on the guest bed, and did some dishes. Who would have thunk it. I can get shit done when I am not sitting in front of Facebook all day. Two weeks ago I went to a Woman's Church Retreat and met this amazing woman named Victoria Robinson. She is an anointed woman of God and gave me hope for raising my children. Everything she said I felt like was almost speaking directly to me. Facebook was also mentioned. So here I am replacing Facebook with something I hope doesn't become just as unhealthy. I mean there is only so much I can write, right? Wow so just an update, my Internet just said a big "f" you to me and would not let any websites load. Only took like 2 hours to fix. Anyway today is one of those up and down days. I thought I was being a good mom at first but I'm exhausted, Tommy has been a pain in my ass and getting into everything and it's the first time I have been mad at him. As I write that I think wow how can anyone be mad at a baby? These are the reasons I need God. I need him to give me patience, to help me bite my tongue when all I want to do is yell stop and lash out at them. Then Mina poops in her panties……..Potty training day 4. maybe its too soon for panties. Maybe naked time at home and pull ups outside? Hey saves me money on diapers right? I have got to say this is soooooooo much better than Facebook already. I can express myself how I want without worrying about what ALL of my friends and family think of me. And make snide comments or whatever. I am free to say whatever it is that comes to mind. Right now I just want some peace and quiet. Tommy is trying again to nap and Mina is playing with her toys. I still have laundry to fold and dishes in the sink but I am beyond exhausted at this point. Maybe there is a nap in store for all of us. On that note…. I will be keeping up with this blog regularly and will see you again soon!!!!