Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Pit

I am sitting in our bedroom watching Hell's Kitchen so my brain shuts down. How is it I have lost all control of my brain? Of my thoughts. How do I not see the joy in my life? The blessings that I have. I just finished a bible study about gifts. About seeing our blessings. How is it I am so far left? My poor husband already under pressure to provide for his family, now has to take care of his biggest child. I do all the things I should. I go to the drs, I take the medications, but yet we are still here. Still nauseaous. Still hopeless. Still numb. I want to feel joy. I want to feel happiness. I want to be present. I have a wonderful husband and beautiful children. A faithful dog. More stuff than I know where to put. I have God. He is at my door. I constantly choose not to answer. I want a magic pill. One that makes me a great mom. One that makes me a great wife, homemaker, cook, cleaner, financial planner, teacher, student, friend, daughter, sister, niece, person. I want a magic pill to make me joyful, faithful, and present. I want to be present. I want to take the crease from my brow. I want to smile when I awake, and smile when I lay my head down to sleep. I want to be attractive, sexually aggressive, and confident. I want the devil to get out of my head. I want the devil to get out of my life. I want to see my gifts instead of my weaknesses. I want to feel love and happiness. I want to stop shaking, to stop trembling, to stop sweating, stop feeling pain, stop. I need a filter in my head. Someone to tell me I'm great, that I can, that I'm worthy.  I dong recognize this woman in the mirror. I don't know who she is. I need her to go, so that I can return.